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Friday, February 10, 2012

10 Songs That Are Way Too Sexy for Your Mom


(Getty, Terry Richardson via Twitter)

Fun fact: Most moms aren't really down with boner jams.

Sure, they'll make exceptions for the racy tunes that were popular back when they were experimenting with the wacky tobacky in college. "Sexual Healing" might elicit a titter from your mother dear, but not, say, Missy Elliott's "Work It." Presentation is everything: Mom can feel the groove of Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You" thanks to its tasteful euphemisms, but she simply won't understand the allure of "Doin' It."

There are limits to mom's innate sense of funk. Here are the songs that push the limits.

1. R. Kelly - "Bump 'N Grind"


Moms are going to hate R. Kelly no matter what, since he's made mainstream news for less-than-savory reasons. Mom's not going to appreciate R. Kelly's mastery of the line, "I need someone someone like me to satisfy your every needs," because she's going to remember him as that guy who pees on girls on tape. She sees a lot wrong with his little bump n' grind, thank you.

2. Missy Elliott - "Work It"


My mother claims not to understand a single word in any rap song, whether it's delivered by Twista or Biz Markie, but she somehow managed to hear the line "go downtown an' eat it like a vulture" the first time she heard it Missy Elliott's "Work It" on the radio. Of course she then proceeded to ask me if I knew what that meant.

3. Prince and the New Generation - "Cream"

There are plenty of Prince songs so raunchy, the reformed Jehovah's Witness refuses to perform them (look up the "Darling Nikki" lyrics). The 1991 No. 1 hit "Cream," which featured the cheery tune "Horny Pony" as a B-side, wasn't particularly controversial, but it was somehow catchy enough to appeal to third graders. It turns out that moms don't particularly dig their children crooning "Get on top!"


4. LL Cool J featuring LeShaun - "Doin' It"


LL Cool J doesn't waste any time getting to the mom-terrifying material on his 1996 hit "Doin' It," which gets started with the rhyme, "It's the first time together and I'm feeling kinda horny / Conventional methods of makin love kinda bore me / I wanna knock your block off, get my rocks off / Blow your socks off make sure your G spots soft."

The song was everywhere. You know moms had trouble answering questions about G spots.


5. George Michael - "I Want Your Sex"


Though George Michael's in-your-face intimacy anthem included a line stressing the importance of monogamy ("Sex is best when it's one on one"), that fact was lost on moms in 1987. The accompanying music video, which featured his then-beard Kathy Jeung strutting around in underwear and gartered stockings, didn't help matters, even if it was only aired on MTV late at night. That's why moms prefer VH1.


6. Toni Braxton - "You're Makin' Me High"


Though a lot of moms got their mournful grooves on to Toni Braxton's R&B-slash-adult contemporary "Breathe Again" back in 1993, many of them didn't really appreciate it when Toni decided to drop a bunch of weight, squeeze into latex jumpsuits and sing about sex causing a druggy euphoria. And trust that no mom has forgotten what Toni wore to the Grammys that year, either.


7. Lady Gaga - "Lovegame"


Some moms will fail to see the cheeky humor in lines like, "Let's have some fun this beat is sick / I wanna take your disco stick." In fact, they might just hear them as "Stick your d**k out." And then they'll ask you about this one rumor about Lady Gaga that they read in a chain email.

8. Madonna - "Like a Virgin"


So mom missed the point on this one and got fixated on the "skanky mullet" wedding dress that Madonna wore in her music video. Nevermind that the lyrics were way more innocent than anything in Olivia Newton John's "Physical."

Thankfully, Madonna's never been too concerned with what the moms think of her.

9. Next - "Too Close"


This is one of those songs that had moms bopping against the steering wheel on morning school runs... until they bought the single and heard the intro, "I wonder if she can tell I'm hard right now." The subsequent realization of the song's lyrical content is not something any mom wants to go through.

10. Rod Stewart - "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy"

A lot of moms secretly think Rod Stewart is very sexy, despite his Muppet hair and his consistent preference for blond models. There's some shame involved in her public disapproval of this disco hit, which she suddenly knows all the words to after she's halfway through her second mimosa.Related Articles:I'm the Music Editor at Zimbio.com, a freelance cat photographer, and a destroyer of karaoke mics. Follow me on Twitter.

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